On growing up
I remember once, close to my 20s, walking back home from an evening drink with friends. A friend from high school, who recently graduated then, was saying how he was feeling this sort of anxiety that he didn’t experience before, and that it was hard for him to even describe or to understand where it was coming from. I didn’t really get what he was talking about, but I haven’t forgotten it, cause I wondered will I feel the same when I graduate.
One of the best quotes and the one most relatable by coming to mid-20s is that no one tells you that with years you become your own parent. And I can presume that this will stick for life.
The question that was striking though was — who do you come for questions now? Who has the answers???
All the questions I have, on sexuality, on relationships, career, what is the right step, what isn’t, on savings? There are just too many and it’s not like my friends have it figured out, either.
Also, when comes the point that you should maybe figure shit out on your own, and maybe not ask all the questions in the first place — cause, how do you know that the person on the other end has it figured out?
I watched the Netflix stand up comedy by Taylor Tomlinson and I found it brilliant. So goddamn relatable. And it was nice to see someone making a joke out of the chaos called the quarter life crisis.
To get to scientifical, there is also the TED talk by Meg Jay, the psychologist saying how the 20s are new 30s. Yeah, just the right thing to get my pulse down. Thanks, Megg!
Not to mention that the younger generations now are getting all the disease that the elderly had. My own father was telling me about the disease he has, which comes due to the amount of stress that starts swirling in your stomach. Before it was the disease of the elderly (of the stress accumulating throughout your life). Now — even the youngsters have it! We are talking 20 and 30 years-old. That’s all the science I needed.
However…
One of the biggest realizations I had was two-fold — 1. no one has it realized, and 2. there is nothing to realize.
Life is a freakin chaos. So how can you even make sense or a structure in your head of something that by its definition means ‘complete disorder’? It is contradictory in its sense and completely impossible.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare the crap out of me and that I like everyone else need a tranquilizer from time to time. Before, to cheer myself up, I would turn to ‘Friends’. It's the only show that despite the numerous times I have seen it (and I have seen it many many times, to the level that I mouth the lines), it still succeeds to makes me laugh. Such positivity and humor would always bright up my day.
But now, it feels just a fake. Now, I wish for the reality. The drama and the documentary and the shows that make you go like ‘oh my God is this really happening??’ but deep down that shock is just a realization, because deep, deep down you knew they were true. But now that your personal little black drama called life is starting to kick in, these shows become relatable and the comedy shows make you feel deceived and mocked.
‘I would like to go back to my free trial version of adulthood’ my friend said to me the other day.
I couldn’t agree more.
The growing up, I don’t want it. I want to go back to my safety and delusion. The time when the things that will keep me up in the night were worries of my physics exam the following day. Back to the time when life felt like it had order. Back to the time when I believed in things like destiny and ‘the right thing always comes along’. To the time when I believed that people in position knew what they were doing, and that they were qualified for those positions. When I felt that there is the end to things, there is the ultimate truth and with time I will get to know it and things will have sense and all that passed would just sort of unravel… but that that time was still farther along.
So yes, if somebody would like to put some time of their corona holidays, and create sort of an app(because everything is an app today, right?) that goes back in time, and this trial of adulthood, and pandemics and shit to be over…I wouldn’t mind it one bit.
